Yoga and the end of the world

I think Yoga saved my life today. This isn't some melodramatic cry for help.

I remember many years ago, back in my college days, when I was struggling to figure out what elective looked like the most fun, but also would be co-ed. I had played Lacrosse and Football in High School (not spectacularly well I might add) and I was looking for a sport that didn't have all the BS male hierarchy, where I could focus on my main goals at the time: finding a reprieve from the voices in my head, and getting more comfortable around women. Yoga classes fit the bill nicely.

As for the voices, you know, the annoying ones that tell you that you aren't good enough or you don't deserve the best in life, I, and all the honest people I meet, battle them daily. The most successful people I have met don't seem to have less voices to contend with, just much better coping mechanisms. It all comes down to how well you treat yourself and what your core beliefs are. People will flock to you if you have a strong center, but without one you may as well be a homeless leper. Everyone will sense your gaping hole-- your validation seeking behavior-- and run away screaming.

As for women... I grew up an only child, raised by my dad, in a neighborhood full of skinhead idiots. Not a lot of girls found their way into my social group. My mother was in effect the head of the family and main breadwinner, because my dad was disabled, so she never got to act as a motherly influence. She had left my father and found someone new, so I didn't get to see her very often. She was also weary, the oldest of seven, and had spent her entire life raising kids. Hindsight being as clear as it is, it seems logical now that a lack of socialization with women at a young age had left me utterly lacking in skills that everyone else seemed to possess. Some of the neighborhood guys, like myself, ended up eventually having more than our fair share of success with women, and some of them are still girlfriend-less to this day. The funny part about it is, despite being a grown adult with tons of experience with the opposite sex, its not a given that on a particular day that I will be comfortable approaching a girl I like. Other times I am unstoppable. Its tough to talk about, most people don't really get it, and I don't blame them. It's not easy to rationalize. It's also extremely frustrating. It messes with your feeling of self worth and drains your energy. You feel like a failure every time you walk by a girl you fancy and don't talk to her. In NY, this happens every 5 seconds.

I have read that a man's fear of approaching an attractive woman harkens back to an evolutionary mechanism that has long ago outlived its usefulness. Seems likely enough, but has been covered to death elsewhere, so I will not rehash it here. Alcohol is most people's crutch and social lubricant of choice, but I don't want to use crutches anymore. This throws another spanner into the works, because now the voices, especially the "What if" scenarios which seem to never play out, are in full force. It's really easy to get in your own way.

What I am realizing is that being outgoing, gregarious, and comfortable in social situations, traits which I fought hard to attain my whole life and pride myself upon, aren't learned and then retained. Like high school Spanish, if you don't use it, you lose it. There is no magic formula. You could be the best guitar player in the world--- and I was damn good at one time--- but if you don't continue to practice diligently, you will not maintain your edge.

So back to the point of this post. I have resolved to get back to where I am comfortable in my own skin, as the past year has been one of loss, loneliness and hard lessons. My social comfort level had damn near bottomed out. My biggest fan, and the one person I could call anytime for advice or to vent, a man who raised me, who loved me and was proud of me unconditionally, was gone... and now I have to be my own biggest fan and learn to love myself first again. To treat myself like my own best friend. To be comfortable in my own skin and sharpen the skill sets to be a master of any situation that I find myself in. I will accept no less. I know this is an arduous, but worthwhile, pursuit. I know that the payoff is huge but will cost dearly-- many years of time and dedication to being the best version of myself possible.

I have had many successes that would make me seem invincible, but there are still cracks in the foundation. Instead of hastily patching them, I'm gutting and starting from scratch by laying a new one. Now, after a few less than successful attempts at getting out of my own way, I decided to check out of my mental spiral and get back to basics. That's where Yoga brought me back from the brink. It may be the only practice that completely silences the chatter for any extended period. It is something that I plan to master and keep as part of my routine. It may just put off the end of the world, at least for me. Thank you Yoga to the People on St. Marks. Namaste.

Do something physical, every single day.